GB*

Sometimes, it is so easy to completely overlook how lucky you are. It is so easy to complain, to highlight the negative and look back on what used to be without seeing what your blessings are right now. And sometimes it takes a life-changing event to shock you back into reality, and make you see what is really important and who is really important. Wow Jess, pretty deep. I sound like I am on some kind of hippy-quarter-life-crisis, but I am having this overwhelming feeling right now of trust. I am heading in the right direction, hopefully. I will always remember that lyric from Baz Luhrman, 'Sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind. But don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself too much.' Right now I am ahead in some things, and behind in others. But my heart feels happy. And it has taken me a while to realise just how happy. I still concentrate far too much on other people, and worry about how I am seen, and what people think but I have recently learnt to have a more confidence in my ability and in believing in what I can and do, rather than concentrating on what I don't and can't. There is this weird culture, and I swear it is more in us Brits than anyone else I have met, but we don't WANT to believe in ourselves. We feel like it would be rude to. We don't like compliments, we don't take them easily and most of the time we don't believe them. We can't see what is great about us, and if we can we don't talk about it because it isn't a 'done' thing. People don't like success, in any part of life whether it be a relationship, a job, school or money. It breeds anger and resentment, and bad feeling. We always play ourselves down. It is a weird way to be, and I find it difficult because I want to be positive about my good parts, and recognise them, and be confident because of them. But instead I dwell on the bad bits, the parts which need changing, or compare myself to others who are better. It is a really weird culture and I am not sure where it has come from, but I really find myself resenting it, especially when meeting people of other cultures who just don't have that embarrasment when it comes to themselves. But we are all different, and good at different things. Our skill get others inspired, make them strive for more just as theirs inspire us. If everyone was fantastic, and beautiful and perfect then it would also mean no-one is beautiful, or inspiring. Basically this is just a post which is a little strange because things have been changing for me a lot recently. Socially, a lot has changed. And, although sometimes at the time I was upset by the changes, and couldn't see how things were going to get better, it has. So I guess someone deserves a thank you. I am hoping that things are going to continue to change. I don't want to jinx anything but I really really hope. Fingers crossed that this incline stays up :)

Changes:

I have turned from an informal, skint memory blogger into a formal, paid corporate writer. I have turned from an avid, enthusiastic traveller into someone who has forgotten what it is like to not have to wear shoes. I have turned from someone who can see the big picture to someone who is stuck in the frame. I have gone from a size 8 to a size 12 - OK so its not on the same page, but basically: I have turned from someone who would trek up a mountain a day, to someone who is sedentary for 8 hours each day. Perhaps more. I am still a dreamer, I am still hopeful. I am still a glass half full person, or trying my best to be anyway. I have turned from a happy, sometimes confused singleton into a happy, sometimes confused girlfriend. I have moved from my chaotic family home into a small, unchaotic flat. I have learned to have confidence in myself, my work and my opinion in the world of work. I have learnt that being the oldest and the wisest is not important, but being young of heart, young of mind, and wide-eyed about the world is essential to change, and to great ideas, and great people. I have learnt to treasure time, and that I do not want to waste my time on certain things, people, emotions or situations. I have learnt new things about myself, about my friends and about what is important. I have found a new friend. I am learning to let go of old, broken things that do not need to be fixed but need to be binned. I haven't yet worked out what it is I am going to be doing with the rest of my life, or which of my many ridiculous crazy ideas will actually work, which one I will try to make work. But I am lucky enough to have these ideas. And I am lucky enough to have this life. I haven't worked out what I will even be doing next year, but I just want to be doing something that I love. I don't ever want to be caught in this slog cycle of boredom every day just to gain money. Money to do things, to travel, to start the ideas, to get things done. We all know, or should know that we are capable of whatever it is we set our minds too, whatever we believe we are good enough to achieve. My issue is, I am not sure what it is that I want to do, to achieve or be. So I am not sure what to believe in yet. I'm probably going to just keep working on who I am. You can only move on when you see where it is you want to be instead, after all. The saving starts now, and the dreaming of course too.

A year ago....

Is it really a whole year ago that the bum escapade happened? That seems insane.
I can remember having to stand up in the Tuk Tuk's because it was too painful, and Jo and Niema laughing at me hobbling around like a cowboy, then HATING me because they had to take turns putting the ointment on. Haha it is funny how easily these memories leave your head, and even weirder thinking about the ones that choose to stay.


I just got a really hard smack of traveling blues. Man, it is going to be a while until I do that again. But it will be worth the wait. And it will be fantastic. There is nothing better than a bit of adventure....

I wonder where my next trip will be to, and who will come with me or if I will go it alone. It is funny how quickly I have become absorbed with insignificant things, errands and 'to do' lists. It is weird how quickly Jersey has managed to get back into my head, and I have stopped seeing the bigger picture. But, it is great thinking back on my travels, talking about them and reminiscing about the funny/stupid/crazy things we did, and at the time just thought were normal. The amount of people we met, and became friends with and places we called home.

Although I am sad not to be going away now, one thing I am happy about is the fact that I got the chance to go, and to see and do all of those fantastic things. That I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity, freedom, money, time and support to go. Lots of people don't have that.
I am definitely a lucky one.

And now that I've seen a bit, I want to see it all.
And I am sure that I will too.